Monday, March 26, 2012

By the Time They’d Called Her for Lunch It Was Almost Dinnertime

Meet Rhoshandiatellyneshiaunneveshenk Koyaanisquatsiuth Williams.

According to Guiness World Book of Records, the longest name to appear on a birth certificate is Rhoshandiatellyneshiaunneveshenk Koyaanisquatsiuth Williams. She was born on September 12, 1984, to Mr. and Mrs. James Williams of Beaumont, Texas. Guiness notes, "Three weeks later Mr. Williams filed an amendment that expanded his daughter’s first name to 1,019 letters and he added thirty-six letters to her middle name.” Part of her middle name was given to her by her aunt; Koyaanisquatsi does mean "life out of balance". Rhoshandia, et. al. goes by Phyllis (Okay, I made this part up).

Her father later amended his daughter's name to:

elpharazinnaphinneloppiarhoshandiatellyneshiaunneveshenk Koyaanisquatsiuth-Darshekkiakaroqodish Williams

What a dad.  What father doesn't want the best for his daughter? I mean think about the blessing of having a unique name! Why, she'd need five birthday cakes to fit her complete name. What a sweet deal!

And imagine his little girl's wedding ceremony:

Pastor: Do you Rhodawaktanannacaramellicaday...[pauses for deep breath] shatunthunduishimotrincorvetticamelonporch...[pauses as he unscrolls the paper in which her name is written on] ettadawantachevrolettaredmondicaphillad...[stifles yawn due to oxygen deprivation] elpharazinnaphinnel...[slows down to get the enunciation correct] oppiarhoshandiatelly...[pauses to put on the oxygen mask] neshiaunneveshenk take Billy Bob to be your lawfully wedded husband?

Rhoda...: I do.

Pastor: Do you Billy Bob take [takes deep breath again] Rhodawaktananna...[signals to youth pastor to bring in the replacement O2 tank] caramellicadayshatunthunduishi...[steadies himself on the pulpit] shatunthunduishimotrincorvetticamelonporchettadawanta...[shudders in a paroxysmal swoon] chevrolettaredmondicaphilladelpharazinnaphinnel...[props himself up on pulpit ] oppiarhoshandiatellyneshiaunneveshenk to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Billy Bob: Ah do.

Youth Pastor: You may kiss the bride! [begins to administer CPR on passed out pastor on floor]

Cue in the 5-tier, double-wide wedding cake. Now, that'll be a wedding to remember!

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