Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Oh, The Places You'll Go...In Texas!

If you're in a dour mood or disagreeable disposition, try these towns on for size:

1. Smiley, Texas (The Poultry Capital of the World)

2. Happy, Texas (The Town Without A Frown)

3. Paradise, Texas (Almost Heaven)

4, Rainbow, Texas (See You At the End of the Rainbow)

5. Sweet Home, Texas (Home Sweet Home)

See y'all out on the trail!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Empty Handed, Gassed Up & Down For the Count

In Port Arthur, Texas [Southeast Texas]
A petty thief attempted to stick up a nonagenarian lady at her home. When the 90 year old woman answered the door, one of the men pulled out a handgun and demanded money from the elderly retiree. They were told she did not have any money. The man repeated his demand for money and the woman apologized and told him she didn’t have any money, holding up her empty hands. The men then ran away.

Say you want to ply your trade as a thief, but your target area is in the economic toilet. Do you take your talents to the ritzier part of town? Heavens to Betsy, no! Only milksops give up easily. No, no, no. The financial state of your neighborhood highlights the conundrum you face in your entrepreneurial calling. What is a petty thief to do? Might I suggest that you draft a proposal for a stimulus plan to the city council which infuses cash into the economically depressed area, which would allow residents to walk around with full wallets & purses, and in turn, fund the criminal element which would then “stimulate” the local consumer economy. Money in, money out. Desperate times call for gummamint intervention. Calling Mr. Obama!

In Lufkin, Texas [Southeast Texas]
Terrance Williams, 28, was smoking marijuana while gassing up a car that had been reported stolen, the police report stated. Officers arrested Williams for possession of marijuana, unauthorized use of a motor vehicle and failure to identify. Previous tete-a-tete with Lufkin's finest includes public intoxication & evading arrest while driving while intoxicated.

Stolen vehicle, check. Marijuana joint lit, check. Out in broad daylight putting gas in the stolen car at a highly-trafficked gas station right in front of the big Wal-Mart, check. Grassed up and gassed up, priceless. Dude! Where's my car?

In Waco, Texas [Central Texas]
A central Texas man held up another man at gunpoint, stealing his cell phone, jewelry and cash. The thief then ran away, taking off on foot. He proceeded to trip and fall, injuring his knee in the process. He then calls 9-1-1 using the STOLEN CELL PHONE. Police arrived and soon discovered that the cell phone, along with other property found on the man, had been stolen 20 minutes earlier.

The numbskull is being charged with armed robbery, three-counts of sheer stupidity and a referral to Life Alert ("Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!").

[Sources: KWTX.com, Texas Crime Blogger]

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

The Texas Three Kick Rule

A big-city, California, lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?"

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the farmer and agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. But the lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nope, I give up. You can have the duck."

Remember, folks. That's why many Texans are fond of wearing their cowboy boots. You know, just in case there's a small dispute of some kind that needs to be resolved expeditiously. Call it - Dispute Resolution, Texas-Style . That's why everyone's friendly in Texas, if you catch my drift.

Saturday, April 7, 2012

I've Been Everywhere, Man (Texas-Style)

Some Texas Sayings, Part 1

What we got right here is a few sayings from the Lone Star State. They're heard elsewhere too, I'm sure, but Texas perfected 'em. Enjoy!

He's riding a gravy train with biscuit wheels
     (ie, A very lucky person)

Big as all hell and half of Texas
    (ie, Texas size, aka Really Big!)

All hat and no cattle
    (A big talker, pretentious)

Do wut? – This is the standard response if you weren't paying attention or didn't hear what the speaker said for some reason. In other cultures the way this is often expressed is "Excuse me?" or "Pardon me?" or even "Could you please repeat that?" Sometimes this phrase is expanded to "Do wut now?" if there's a matter of urgency.

Hitched but not churched – This is a way of politely saying that a couple is living together without being married. Being that Texas is the buckle in the Bible Belt, living in sin was a taboo, but not much anymore as the times caught up with Texas, sadly.

Tea – Tea in Texas is always iced and always sweet. If you want unsweetened tea you need to specifically ask for unsweetened. Being that people are accustomed to drinking tea, you might get a "Do wut?" and a strange look. But hold your ground with a smile and you'll get your unsweetened tea. If you have never had Southern sweet tea you may want to try a small taste before ordering a whole glass. Let's just say it is sort of like drinking cake icing! Diabetic shock is not an uncommon reaction.