Saturday, April 21, 2012

Empty Handed, Gassed Up & Down For the Count

In Port Arthur, Texas [Southeast Texas]
A petty thief attempted to stick up a nonagenarian lady at her home. When the 90 year old woman answered the door, one of the men pulled out a handgun and demanded money from the elderly retiree. They were told she did not have any money. The man repeated his demand for money and the woman apologized and told him she didn’t have any money, holding up her empty hands. The men then ran away.

Say you want to ply your trade as a thief, but your target area is in the economic toilet. Do you take your talents to the ritzier part of town? Heavens to Betsy, no! Only milksops give up easily. No, no, no. The financial state of your neighborhood highlights the conundrum you face in your entrepreneurial calling. What is a petty thief to do? Might I suggest that you draft a proposal for a stimulus plan to the city council which infuses cash into the economically depressed area, which would allow residents to walk around with full wallets & purses, and in turn, fund the criminal element which would then “stimulate” the local consumer economy. Money in, money out. Desperate times call for gummamint intervention. Calling Mr. Obama!

In Lufkin, Texas [Southeast Texas]
Terrance Williams, 28, was smoking marijuana while gassing up a car that had been reported stolen, the police report stated. Officers arrested Williams for possession of marijuana, unauthorized use of a motor vehicle and failure to identify. Previous tete-a-tete with Lufkin's finest includes public intoxication & evading arrest while driving while intoxicated.

Stolen vehicle, check. Marijuana joint lit, check. Out in broad daylight putting gas in the stolen car at a highly-trafficked gas station right in front of the big Wal-Mart, check. Grassed up and gassed up, priceless. Dude! Where's my car?

In Waco, Texas [Central Texas]
A central Texas man held up another man at gunpoint, stealing his cell phone, jewelry and cash. The thief then ran away, taking off on foot. He proceeded to trip and fall, injuring his knee in the process. He then calls 9-1-1 using the STOLEN CELL PHONE. Police arrived and soon discovered that the cell phone, along with other property found on the man, had been stolen 20 minutes earlier.

The numbskull is being charged with armed robbery, three-counts of sheer stupidity and a referral to Life Alert ("Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!").

[Sources:, Texas Crime Blogger]

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